"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You."
I have been dreading this weekend for months, subconsciously. I knew that this trip was going to scare me, so I buried those feelings and refused to let them surface for the last 2 months or so. Now he is essentially leaving tomorrow and I have realized I am
I raced out of the house this morning. I had plans to go to church to meet up with some other women to make a Child's Training Bible. First, I had to run to Meijer to get the little page flags for it and also get a super sweet deal on diapers. By getting the diapers today, I would essentially get a box and a half free! Unfortunately, something happened while checking out and the register did not want to give me my automatic $20 coupon on my order. The cashier had to call her supervisor, get things cleared, and put in codes. I ended up waiting for about 20 minutes to finalize my order. I DID get my super sweet diaper deal, but I was now going to get the church about 30 minutes late. Normally, being late doesn't bother me, but I got in the car and could tell, my body was all amped up.
It was very strange. I had never felt like that before. My insides felt shaky. I thought I might cry. And as I drove towards the church, I realized my jaw was beginning to get tight and ache. Within the first half hour of being at church, I had to make a conscious effort to highlight the Bible passages with a steady hand, control my emotions to keep myself from crying, and not clench my jaw as my pain level was rising and my head was beginning to pound.
As I was walking out, our Pastor's Wife asked how she cold pray for me. I said that I was nervous about Jason going to Colorado and being by myself with the boys. I have a sense of pride about being able to take care of and handle situations on my own; being totally independent, but since Cullen's birth I no longer felt that way. I also told her I had this dread that Cullen would crash while he was gone and that I would have to handle that entire episode on my own. I left, those strange feelings only increasing.
"God, what is wrong with me?" I thought.
is what I heard in my head. I immediately called my mom. She had suffered from panic attacks in the past and I knew she would be able to tell me if that was what I was dealing with. I had a long chat with her. She helped me identify the basis of my attack. I was scared of being by myself and Cullen crashing and dying while Jason was gone. But the bottom line of that is that I did not fully trust God with the situation. I didn't trust that He would take care of me or Cullen or that whatever happened would be a part of His plan and for His glory. Glorifying God is our ultimate job in this life. Glorifying him with all we are, with all He gives us.
I also realized that I had sinfully made Jason a functional savior. I was trusting in him to care for us, give me strength, and get us through any situation. I had come to the end of myself and my ability to control the situation and that scared me. Which is also sinful. We are told over and over in the Bible to not fear, to not be anxious. He commands us to give Him all of that an in return we are given peace.
So, that is what I have been doing, over and over and over and over again. Every time I feel the tears well-up in my eyes or begin to think about what will happen if Cullen crashes, I repeat to myself, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You. God I trust You. I give this to You. Please give me peace."
I will not make it through next week on my own. God will give me the strength. He will lead me, guide me, and comfort me as He gently walks me through the next five days. He will steady my heart and give me the peace and confidence to make it.
*As I was typing this out this afternoon. I was also purchasing the new Kari Jobe album, Steady My Heart. The cover song truly spoke to my heart. I feel like the lyrics were exactly what I need to hear today.*
For the song and lyrics: