Wednesday, May 16, 2012


Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I'm just going to be honest.  Because I want others to know that it's ok to feel cheated, disappointed, jaded.  You are not a bad person, it's normal.

Yesterday our best friends finalized their family by bringing into this world a beautiful little boy.  I was fortunate enough that they asked me to be there.  To be able to celebrate with their family in those first moments of that tiny miracle's life.

I rushed out of the house with my boys when we got the call that it would be soon.  I was on edge in the waiting room, anticipating Daddy walking out to tell us if they had had a boy or girl and what the name was. I was fine through all of that.  I was excited, overjoyed, anxious.

We walked into the labor and delivery ward and I hung back with the other family members, letting their older children go into the room first.  And then two nurses carried their chubby, minutes old baby past the doorway to get his foot prints.  He was wiggling and squirming and fussing. And my heart broke.

I tried with all my strength to hold it together. I tried in those fleeting moments to suppress my tears, to convince myself that it was just plain selfish and ridiculous to feel cheated.  To feel loss and anger and disappointment. To be at that place again where I ask God why.  To tell Him again that it's not fair.

I was  SUPPOSE  to have an easy delivery.

I was SUPPOSE  to have a perfect little boy.

I was SUPPOSE to cry tears of joy.

I stood there rejoicing and mourning.  I was torn, battling my emotions, trying to get a grip so I could bask in that wave of love and awe that happens when you hold a newborn baby.  Something else I had been denied with my own baby.

God help me.

Help me to let go of dreams lost and anticipate the incredible future you have for us.  For Cullen.  Help me to look towards The Prize.  Help me to sacrifice what I want, my expectations, my plans.  Help me to trust you.  Please, help me to trust you again.

Facing this is just too hard on my own.


  1. Erin.....God CHOOSE you and Jason and Jerek to be Cullen's family. How special is that!!!! I can't think of better parents to raise this beautiful baby boy! All you will teach him, all you will learn from and through your struggles will be a blessing to so many!!!! Because God choose you...He will equip you in so many ways. Be encouraged and joyful! You are special!! I love you so much, you are a blessing to me! kathy

  2. Thank you Kathy! I want to record what I feel and what I struggle with so that others who are struggling with this won't feel like they are alone. I also want to watch and see what God does in our family and in my heart specifically.