For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I'm just going to be honest. Because I want others to know that it's ok to feel cheated, disappointed, jaded. You are not a bad person, it's normal.
Yesterday our best friends finalized their family by bringing into this world a beautiful little boy. I was fortunate enough that they asked me to be there. To be able to celebrate with their family in those first moments of that tiny miracle's life.
I rushed out of the house with my boys when we got the call that it would be soon. I was on edge in the waiting room, anticipating Daddy walking out to tell us if they had had a boy or girl and what the name was. I was fine through all of that. I was excited, overjoyed, anxious.
We walked into the labor and delivery ward and I hung back with the other family members, letting their older children go into the room first. And then two nurses carried their chubby, minutes old baby past the doorway to get his foot prints. He was wiggling and squirming and fussing. And my heart broke.
I tried with all my strength to hold it together. I tried in those fleeting moments to suppress my tears, to convince myself that it was just plain selfish and ridiculous to feel cheated. To feel loss and anger and disappointment. To be at that place again where I ask God why. To tell Him again that it's not fair.
I was SUPPOSE to have an easy delivery.
I was SUPPOSE to have a perfect little boy.
I was SUPPOSE to cry tears of joy.
I stood there rejoicing and mourning. I was torn, battling my emotions, trying to get a grip so I could bask in that wave of love and awe that happens when you hold a newborn baby. Something else I had been denied with my own baby.
God help me.
Help me to let go of dreams lost and anticipate the incredible future you have for us. For Cullen. Help me to look towards The Prize. Help me to sacrifice what I want, my expectations, my plans. Help me to trust you. Please, help me to trust you again.
Facing this is just too hard on my own.